I haven't posted a blog here in sometime because I've spent a lot of time on my other
blog. I debated whether to post anything at all since I'm going to share something quite personal. I've, obviously, made the decision that sharing this is important for a multitude of reasons.
I have an event coming up that I have to work. This is an annual event and I typically don't buy anything new. I rummage through my closet and try to piece together something that I already own. Afterall, no one is spending anytime looking at me. I just work the event. I should say that this event is cocktail attire. I've worn anything from a suit to a dress.
If you've been following my blog, you know that I had weight loss surgery last October. I don't speak much about it anymore since I've consistently lost weight, but it has been slowly. I don't have any words of wisdom to share about my experience since I pretty much eat like a normal person, just a lot less. Additionally, I've had approximately four fills and they've all gone about the same as I described in this
blog except they don't really hurt and I've gone to the last two by myself. Of course, a staff person has to hold my hand and talk me through it. I have 6.5ccs in my band and I'm nearly at the "sweet spot" that they describe as being the perfect opening. I've lost approximately 45 pounds. I feel great. This is a very, very slow process - but, I'm still losing.
I had a fill last Thursday. Yesterday, I headed to Macy's to see if I couldn't find a shrug for the size 16 dress that I have that now fits me... um... from maybe six years ago? It's one of those little black dresses that never goes out of style and it's made by Jones New York, which seems to be a little on the timeless side. I was excited this dress fit, but not surprised since that designer seems to be cut a bit larger.
Once at Macy's, I took the escalator to the third floor where the plus size section is. I'm used to going to the third floor; it's what I know. I haven't needed to buy clothing in a long time. I have a lot of clothing, in an array of sizes and a friend gave me some clothing as well. No shopping for me. I started to peruse the aisles, trying to find a shrug (or jacket) for this dress and nothing. Everything was looking big to me. I don't know why it hadn't before. Even the smaller sizes. I decided to push my luck and head to the second floor. A floor I had never been on, except for shoes.
They had a Jones New York section and since I knew that I could get into my dress - I decided to try on a sweater and a suit jacket. The sweater was cute, but not right for the dress. The jacket fit, but was $200. I thought, well if there is a pair of pants for this suit jacket, perhaps it's a sign. I found the coordinating pants in a size 16 (not a plus size 16, a regular 16) and returned to the dressing room. Tried them on and they fit. That's when I felt a million emotions in a single minute.
I started to cry in the dressing room on the second floor at Macy's. I was on the second floor, trying on something that fit. Was I now only going to shop on the second floor? Should I buy this, what if I gain weight and it doesn't fit? It's expensive, but it fits! All of the shame that I had been feeling about my size started to surface too - I felt a mixture of relief, but of intense fear. Do I look good? What if I still look big and people are thinking, "that girl is fat". More crying. I sat down for a bit and tried to soak in the situation. I tried to have the moment and let it pass. I know that a lot of plus size girls that lose weight have described a sort of comfort that came with being rounder and once they lose some weight, they feel exposed. I felt that too. I felt embarrassed to be the largest girl on the 2nd floor at Macy's, but also excited to be on the second floor!!! I finally calmed down and walked out of the dressing room thinking, "my husband will kill me if I spend $300" - let's see what else might fit and be less money.
I went over to suits to see what jackets I might be able to find. I pulled about 6 suits in size 16 and then I saw this beautiful 2-piece outfit. It had a very structured white wrap shirt with a pair of black pants. I went into the dressing room and started to try the various clothing on. Some of it fit better than others, but nothing was talking to me like that suit, until I tried on the pants and the wrap shirt. The pants were biggish on me (in a correct way for the style) and the shirt was tailored and tapered perfectly. I lost it again. I realized that this outfit needed to come home with me. I bought it and a shrug (for that little black dress) and headed out to the car. I lost it a little more.
I did what every girl does and called my Mom. Speaking to her, I realized that most of what I was feeling was fear and conditioning. It is very exciting, but I still want to move forward in my journey. I don't feel like I'm done yet. I feel like I've just started and that there ARE a million more emotions to feel about this process.
